12 Things To Do Instead of Sanitizing Your Hands

Look, the thing is, COVID performances have become incredibly passé. Signs encouraging vaccination are so last year. Suppressing your cough through customs? How antiquated are you? You’re still offering Purell alternative hand sanitizer at your establishment? Ya’ll should be giving out complimentary CBD gummies instead. 

Personally, I don’t know how much longer I can pretend to sanitize a 12lbs medicine ball in between single-leg deadlift sets at my ‘half capacity’ gym. Like, were medicine balls ever meant to be cleaned this way? Or cleaned at all?! Aren’t some things just meant to be a cesspool of germs? Like a kindergartener’s hands and your nighttime retainer?

COVID has become an overbaked community theatre performance starring your least favourite local politicians. It’s time to throw rotten fruits on the stage like the lawless countesses of yore.

If you can’t find a rotten melon to hurl at the next Purell bottle you see, here are some things you may want to try instead:

1. Offer facts and data that suggest frequent hand sanitization causes early on set glaucoma.

2. Spit on yours hands. Just cuz.

3. Sanitize your feet.

4. Initiate a conversation about the Clinton administration. Why not?

5. If you’re at a gym, clarify you won’t be sweating.

6. Flirt with the person asking you to sanitize your hands. Flirting is a lost art. You may get arrested.

7. Ask, “Is this about COVID or my venereal disease?”

8. Begin a new career as a bereavement co-ordinator. Literally anything is better than sanitizing your hands.

9. If you’re on a plane, request complimentary ear buds and use them to lasso your seat partner’s nuts. Individually.

10. Set fire to the rain. (Figure it the fuck out.)

11. Scream, “THE JIG IS UP!!!” Flip a table. Take a bow. You earned it.

12. Do this move ⬇️

Congratulations! Your COVID performance is now complete!