Ten Outfits That Say, “I’m Ready For The Apocalypse”
On the brink of apocalypse I contemplate Bottega Veneta chunk-heel platform mules. Just me? Like scuse me if I want my first armageddon with a side of Alexander McQueen. An Emilio Pucci dress with a seamless potassium iodide pouch. Louboutins that say, “Yes actually I would like to evacuate the nuclear war zone.”
These are strange times. A time when one navigates from web browsers featuring shell shocked war torn hospitals in Mariupol to belly toped twinks on TikTok twerking for #ukrainesolidarity💙💛 to crunchy ASMR vids starring edible Lush soaps. (Do Gen Zers not realize millennials were eating those soaps years ago?)
If you’re anything like me you just offered to adopt a baby from Ukraine on a public online message board with the same nonchalant attitude one assumes when specifying a milk preference. Within seconds, I close the tab and switch back to my Mejuri shopping cart. On second thought, I’ll try Etsy.
This is the end of the world, folks. I am sure. If you’re still not convinced, please watch this video. Because if a young woman eating a Tiffany & Co box isn’t prophetic enough to convince you of our species demise, frankly you don’t deserve your rationed iodine pill. And for those who are convinced, here are Ten Outfits That Say, “I’m Ready For The Apocalypse”.
1. Prada Clips that say, “I don’t know who Volodymyr Zelenskyy is and I don’t care!”
2. Human rights? What about about handbag rights? Straight up root for the erosion of democracy with this Birkin.
3. Vintage Chanel that says I prefer subterranean swimming pools & authoritarian government regimes, bish.
4. Can’t see police brutality in these Gucci tiger-print cat-eye frame glasses, boo!
5. Give zero fucks about behavioural surplus data extracted by Google i.e. the second biggest threat to democracy worldwide in this flirty Valentino tweed mini.
6. These oval-frame Gentle Monster sunglasses say, “I just ran over an abolitionist activist with my Tesla. Weeeeee!”
7. Literally deny irreversible climate catastrophe in this soups cute powder pink Versace Beanie.
8. Perhaps a Balenciaga Floral Puffer that says, “Bro, I run with Russian Oligarchs and drink crude oil for breakfast!”
9. Democracy? Autocracy? Don’t know the diff in this sweet Saint Laurent crossbody Loulou.
10. Rick Owens Elasticated Leather Boots that bring on a state of political and socioeconomic amnesia??!! YES PLEASE.
